On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
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Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life