There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
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Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!