sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
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just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.