[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
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Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Ferrari squats
Yes, this is exactly right
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk