Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
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I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
✌🏽
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey