[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
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[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid