wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
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I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
i hope my email finds you on fire
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.