Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
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I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
New mindset, who dis?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this