[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
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Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D