Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
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I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.