My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
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Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.