*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
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I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.