The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
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if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.