I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
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Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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