If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
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nothing saves money like being antisocial
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID