There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I’m having an out of money experience.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
cyclists
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!