Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
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INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
For the baby who has everything
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me