(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
no regrets
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit