If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
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I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
secret recipe
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”