I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
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DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
They’re stuck in your pants?
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *