Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
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I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
#DesignFail
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB