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[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!