I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
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i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Oh we’ve met.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.