When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
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Going into Monday like
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.