when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
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[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
“Sheer Arrogance”
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
When you don’t understand how floors work
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.