Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
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If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine