If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
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Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
This is what makes twitter great
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
felt that
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
my retirement plan is braless
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
The internet is full of many things
#parenting
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please