Me when I wear 4 inch heels
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Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Brother?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
How did we not see this back then?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood