When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
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“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
After how many years should you clean your microwave?