Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
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Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Cannot stop laughing at this
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE