Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
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15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
The old gods are rising again.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!