A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best