in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
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I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot