I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
You Might Also Like
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
WHY?!
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van