My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
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Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
the official breakfast of 2021
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!