*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
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Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?