You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
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Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.