Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
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My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.