Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
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Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Only a mother’s love …
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…