Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
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Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Stick it to the man
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.