You Might Also Like
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”