The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
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You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.