I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
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ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.