I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
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Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Check out the legs on this baby
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up