Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
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Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.