My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
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Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
SPLOOT
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute