The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
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[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
How about daylight saves us for once
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!