me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
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Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.