Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
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I got soap in my shower beer again.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist