I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
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HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
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i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I hate when that happens.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Every BBC series about the universe.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children